A Glimpse Into Me

I want to take a moment to talk about something that I tend to be fairly quiet about, but is probably the biggest part of who I am today, I have Aspergers.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, Aspergers is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized primarily with difficulties in social interaction, as well as repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It’s a bit different from the rest of ASD though due to the lack of cognitive and linguistic difficulties.  

Most people these days think of Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory when they hear mention of Aspergers, and I hate him for that. So many people I’ve talked to think we’re all weird social outcasts and walking punch lines thanks to that show, for the best representation I have seen on television, I recommend Community’s Ahbed. But I digress. Which is actually one of the parts of Aspergers, we tend to get sidetracked easily and just say whatever we think of, but I’ve decided this time to just keep in whatever comes to mind, hoping that it will help show how my train of thought works.

Anyways, back to what I really wanted to talk about. I have Aspergers, and because of that, I see the world a little different from others.

 For starters, it’s usually quite hard for me to read into what other people mean or what their intentions are, because of this I often either mislead people or hurt them. On the reverse side, I often get hurt and taken advantage of due to my misunderstanding of the situation.

This issue is most prevalent for me personally when it comes to guys. I rarely realize when someone is flirting with me until they make a move to kiss me or ask me out, which has lead to many instances of both me hurting people by ‘suddenly’ turning them down, and me just being taken advantage of because I do not often know how to detach myself from the situation. It has gotten much better over the years, but once during high school I was “dating” four guys at once simply because I could not seem to say no.   

Not being able to read into what other people mean has also lead to incredibly awkward situations where I don’t know what to say or do in response to something very emotional, especially grief and anger. I quite often cannot fully understand why the person is saying and doing things and simply get incredibly frustrated and lash out at those near me. The biggest cause of fights with me and my loved ones seems to be that when they show a great deal of emotions towards me, I don’t know how to handle them and as such, I react inappropriately.

Next up, sounds. Anyone who has spent a great deal of time with me knows what my biggest pet peeves are: crunching, slurping and sniffling.  I literally cannot be near those sounds for very long without either becoming angry or so frustrated that I begin to cry.

Obviously (especially since moving to Japan) I have to put up with it in silence most of the time, but I do have a lot of tricks to avoid it as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I avoid noodle shops as much as I can, don’t use the trains without headphones and while traveling I always have earplugs. Every night I even have a white noise machine playing to help me drown out any potential noise. The worst though is going to hang out with friends or going to a party, because you just know that there’s going to be a bunch of crunchy snacks and people chewing on ice. It’s become such a big deal that a few close friends actually avoid chips and ice when I’m around them (thank you. I love you.)

David, amazing, sweet David, even went as far as to buy a non-clicking mouse for his computer and asked his gaming friends not to eat loud things while they skype and I’m around.

I’m really not sure how I would continue functioning without people like him in my life. 

This particular issue, I have noticed really rubs off on people. Namely, my mother and David. I hear at least once a week “I’d never noticed  ~~ sound before” or “I just knew, Jen would hate this!” Now that isn’t to say that they’re now annoyed by these things too, but my issues have made them so acutely aware of these things that they notice sounds they had never known existed before (sorry).

The last thing I want to talk about is why I have been so quiet lately. Those of us with Aspergers know we’re different; we know we don’t quite fit in, and knowing that, often leads to depression. Ever since I quit my job to begin volunteering and traveling, I have also had far too much free time to reflect upon my life and how outside from everyone else I am, and that led me to a very dark place. Now, obviously I KNOW people love me, I KNOW I’m a smart and talented woman who has lots to offer the world, and I KNOW that I will have an amazing life, normal or not. But that doesn’t stop depression. Depression is impervious to logical reasoning. You can’t just wish it away.

So, to close, I may get down a lot in these coming months while I have loads of time to ponder, so please help me to remember that it’s ok. It’s ok to be different from the norm. It’s ok to be ME.

Moving On

I have been quite terrible at keeping this blog running, and really only have myself to blame for that, but felt the need to comment about the life changes that are about to happen for me.
In a little over a week, my job as a kindergarten teacher will come to an end, it breaks my heart to leave these kids, because they've really become my kids over the last 12 months, but I must. The next chapter of my life is waiting to begin, and that chapter is looking to be amazing.

You see, after this I will finally have enough money saved up to volunteer full time in Japan and to also travel the world a little bit. So while I have to leave my children behind, I will finally give the disaster animals the time they deserve and the look at the world I've been dreaming of.


I promise that this blog will be becoming far more active as this new chapter starts.

I simply wanted to apologize for not updating about my last 2 trips to the shelter, honestly I have been in a strange depression as of late, and when I am depressed, the motivation to write just does not come. 
For some reason I have had this terrible irrational fear that when I eventually return to the United States, all of my loved ones will have moved on and won't have a place for me in their lives anymore. Irrational, I know, but that does not stop it from creeping up.

No Go

Between working full time, fostering, and volunteering, it’s sometimes hard for me to even find time to sleep, let alone do posts, so I apologize for taking a few days.

I was so happy to get a chance to return into the No Go Zone this weekend, since often we reserve the spaces for volunteers that will only be visiting one time, it’s common for me to stay behind at the shelter instead.

This trip we were lucky enough to have a vet tech who was visiting from Tokyo named Monica. She was very knowledgeable about just about everything you could think to talk about and quite a joy to work with.

With our trusty driver, Takumi, behind the wheel, we headed into the 20-30km area of Namie to refill bins and check on animals in neighborhoods.  Every single bin that we checked that day was empty, or nearly empty (forgot to count, but believe we hit about 20), and it was amazing how quickly we went through an entire van full of food to replenish the many feeding stations in the area. And at almost every single stop, there were animals, waiting for their food to get there. It was not hard to tell that these cats were counting on JCN and the other local helpers for their survival.

that black cat actually lived there before

paw prints

While we were checking the stations and making sure a few owners’ animals were alright, it was sad to see all of the fresh marks that had been left behind, like paw prints in dust, or recent excrement. They were all signs of animals that had been forced to suffer for far too long, animals that were still suffering.

On that note, it’s always important to keep searching the whole time you are in the area, because although it often looks barren, there is commonly an animal hiding very nearby in the overgrown vegetation. There were many times when we would catch a glimpse of an animal, just to see it vanish again, not daring to get too near.

one such cat waiting for us to leave

While we were out feeding, there was one cat that caught us all, it was this gorgeous creature just sitting beside the road, very clearly waiting for food. When we stopped, instead of running, it waited patiently for food to be put down and then approached, this was such an encouraging sign that I asked if we could try and trap it. Within 3 minutes of putting the cage down, this baby was in, and during the rest of our trip, it let me pet it and even gave a kiss. By the time we left though, I did not know if it was a boy or girl, because we want it to get acclimated to the shelter a bit more before we start freaking it out a whole lot more, so the poor thing is still without a name.  I am thinking Kocha though, since it has a giant T on its head.

Video of his/her capture http://youtu.be/Pd_nw_8Ldac

The last stop we made was to visit a group of dogs that the owner refuses to let anyone take or fix, he believes that things are not bad enough yet, and it is illegal for us to go against him. They were all lovely, and while it was clear their owner frequently returned to give them food, it still broke my heart since they all clearly wanted much more affection in their lives and missed people greatly. 

 

Update on Nala, our FIV+ baby: She is regaining her strength steadily, and this weekend she had enough in her to hiss at David. While hissing might seem like a bad sign to some, Nala was not a fan of people when she got here and only let us touch her once she got very ill, so it’s actually sort of comforting to see her feeling strong enough to put up some sort of fight.

 Bonus photos from the weekend:

 This buddy tried to hide as a cup noodles to keep from getting her medicine, didn't work too well

 A sign from a family thanking TEPCO for giving them all this extra time to sit around and play pachinko away from home

Warning: Last part includes graphic photos and is depressing.

I wanted to do this part last since I try to keep things as upbeat as possible and as such thought it might be a good idea to write the terrible stuff separate so that people could skip it if they so desired.

Anyways, within the No Go Zone, there are still many animals waiting to be rescued, but there are thousands more that it is too late for. During every trip I have made into the zone, there has been at least one body waiting along our routes, and  this trip was no different. While visiting where the group of 80 chickens we used to feed last year was, we decided to walk over to where some locals had freed baby boars at a farm, and then someone pointed out the small cage to the side, partially hidden. Inside, was a corpse that was nearly only bones by now of a small monkey, a creature that never even had a chance after the disaster. While the boars were released, his cage probably went unnoticed over in that corner, leaving him to waste away, terrified, alone, and in immense pain.

From Death Row to House Pet

This is the story of Hank, who is not only a Fukushima survivor, but also a hokenjo (public animal shelter) survivor.

Hank was found by Japan Cat Network right before the hokenjo was going to gas him and a group of other animals, most of whom had collars still on, all of whom did nothing to deserve it.

He was a very shy boy, who made a best friend at the shelter while they fought for their lives against a terrible disease known as Parvo. Nearly 70% of cats their age who get it, die, but against all odds, they both pulled through it and became inseparable.Their close nature led us to later rename them Hank and Dean, after the Venture Brothers

Hank is orange, Dean is gray

But neither of them trusted people, and why should they? First they were both left to die on the streets, and one was almost killed in a gas chamber, what had people ever done for them?


Enter my house:
We decided that we were up to the challenge of socializing them, and took them on the 7hr trip home at the end of our visit in October.
It took some getting used to for them, and around a week for them to even emerge from under the couch, but over the course of the 3 months they lived with us, they not only learned to trust people, but both of them would beg and cry for you to scoop them into your arms.

Every night they were curled up in bed with us, and when we got home from work, they were right at the door, waiting.  This was great, but they were still just our fosters, not our pets. We both knew our apartment could never be their forever home, and they could never be ours, and worst of all, we knew come winter break, we would have to return them to JCN.



Enter an old friend in the USA:
Every now and then, I would take a photo of them, and post it to facebook to share with everyone, never thinking anything else of it. Just wanted to share their cuteness.
Then, out of nowhere I get a sort of joking message from a friend back in the states claiming she has simply fallen in love with the boys and wants them for Christmas. We begin to talk in depth, and it becomes more and more obvious to both of us that this isn't really a joke, she has honestly fallen in love with them through the power of those photos.
As luck would have it, we were heading to Virginia for winter vacation, so we talked it over with the shelter and it was agreed, Hank and Dean would go to America! The only catch, ANA, whom we had already purchased tickets through, are terrible with pets, and wanted to charge us 60,000Y ($650) to get them to DC, and my friend simply did not have that kind of money.

Enter, the kindness of strangers:
On a whim, I began a ChipIn page and spread it amongst all our friends and shelter groups, and before even one day had passed, the money was all there.  With messages saying things like "Merry Christmas" and "gambate," there it was.

So come December 22nd 2011, Hank and Dean went with us, from Yamanashi-ken to Narita airport, and then to the other side of the world, Washington DC

bathroom break at Narita

They endured a 4hr bus ride, a vet checkup to be deemed quarantine ready, and a 16hr flight without any food, water or a litter box. But you could never tell by looking at them, the whole time they only cried whenever they couldn't see each other.

At the end of the journey, there was my friend, waiting to pick them up and love them for the rest of their lives. And while it was so wonderful, I could not help but cry, because these two magnificent creatures had not only endured so much their entire lives while waiting for this day to come, but they had done so without either one ever complaining.

If you would like to help animals like Hank and Dean, please go to: http://japancatnet.com/

Abuse

It has taken me a week to decide whether I should talk about this or not, but as it has been a week and it is still bothering me, here goes.

David and I went to the shelter last weekend to volunteer and gather some supplies for a fundraiser we will be doing later in Iwaki, while we were there, I spotted a man kicking his dog. At first I simply assumed that it was my eyes playing tricks on me, as it had already been a long weekend, and who in their right mind would abuse an animal across the street from a shelter? But that's when it happened... this man threw his dog as hard as he could into the ground, in front of his 2 small children.

Without even thinking I just ran over and began shouting at him, I do not know a lot of Japanese so it was mostly English with a bit of me calling him a monster. I scooped up the small poodle to check it for injuries while the man shouted obscenities in Japanese at me and told his children not to worry as I was just a moronic foreigner.
David and a Japanese volunteer came over to talk with him, but he spent his entire time denying it and saying that I had tried to steal his dog and attacked him, our Japanese volunteer even apologized to him for my actions, while I just sobbed.

We were told later that while it was sad, we could do nothing to stop this man since there were no visible wounds on the animal and since I had "attacked" him. In Japan, the foreigner always looses against the native.
 I spent much of the rest of my time that day closed up with some of ours animals, crying.

During the nearly 3 years that I worked with the SPCA back in the US, I saw lots of animals come through that had been badly abused, some had terrible physical scars, others only had mental ones, but all of them had been noticeably effected. I just kept thinking of my time with those cowering animals and how much it had pained me to know they had been hurt by some heartless bastard, and how utterly wrong it was that this man got to walk away with an animal that he will most likely abuse for the rest of its life, or until he gets sick of it and throws it away, like so many other animals in this nation. This incident especially struck me, because while I have worked with abused animals for a long time, I had actually somehow never seen it happen first hand, so seeing someone do it so calmly, and right across the street from our shelter no less, shook me to the core.


Anyways, it still replays through my head over and over again, and I find myself praying for that poor small dog. Now, enough sadness, here is a picture of Chachamaru, who was found over a year into the disaster, covered in parasites, very underweight, with dislocated legs, and a big smile. Animals like him are what keep us going.

Fun fact: We personally spend around $200/month in travel costs to volunteer and rescue.

Does not compute

People often ask me why I tend to choose animal companionship over other humans, and today here in Iwaki I was given a good example of just why that is.

There is a colony of cats near one of the preschools I teach English at, so every Monday they get a visit, along with lots of food and attention. This week, while they were all running over to get some food, one of the cats appearances made my jaw simply drop...

not Photoshopped

Someone took one of the cats and painted them! At first I thought he maybe just landed in some wet paint somewhere, but then I noticed this guy also had new injuries since last week, and even though he had been the most friendly before, today he was very timid.
It simply boggles my mind why anyone would want to do this to an animal. Any animal.

the colony last week

My goal is to save up some money and trap these guys so they can get fixed and vaccinated, plus a few of them have eye gunk that I want to treat with lysine, and if I can get them trusting people enough, it'd be awesome to treat them to a grooming session.

JCN Fukushima shelter

My writing skills are terrible, but I suppose that something is better than nothing at all, so here is my first attempt at doing volunteer notes about this last weekend at the Inawashiro shelter.

First, let me give everyone a quick overview of the general structure of a day:

Morning routine begins at 8am, this includes feeding all the animals, cleaning all the rooms, walking the dogs and giving our sick tenants their medications (whether they want it or not)

If there is only one person there, the routine takes from 8am till around lunch.

If there are 2+ people, it is typically over by 10:30am.

After the morning routines are finished with, and if it is not a zone day, volunteers are free to do whatever they please. Be it cleaning, organizing, cuddling animals, sightseeing or simply taking a nap. I personally tend to take the route of keeping busy with cleaning and petting the cuties, but to each their own.

Evening routine begins at 5pm and consists of feeding everyone, cleaning the cages again, walking the dogs and then putting them in their kennels for the night (there are foxes, tanuki and bears in the area, so our boys aren’t allowed to have nights outside), and ensuring everyone has had their medications.

Again, if there is only one person, this takes forever, and depending on how willing the special needs babies are with taking their meds, it can also sometimes end with a few tears.

With 2+ people, it feels like a breeze since you have good conversations and helping hands to burrito kitties and trick animals into swallowing pills.

On a zone day, we typically load up the van with food, cages and emergency equipment the night before and head out around 10am, and return whenever things are done, be that 5pm, or 2am.

While out there, duties consist of refilling feeding stations, scouting for animals, checking on our feral colonies (JCN does TNR as well), talking with locals, and inevitably getting stopped by the police a million times to check our papers. It is immensely hard work and sometimes can be utterly heartbreaking, but every animal out there that is still in need makes it more than worth it.

Anyways, that is a basic run down of the daily happenings at the Japan Cat Network Fukushima shelter, now on to what specifically happened this particular weekend.

Nala <3

Nala, who was quite recently diagnosed with FIV (Feline AIDS), was being a lot friendlier then the last time I got to visit 2 weeks ago. Last time Nala would try to struggle and do her pathetic growls during medicine time, this trip she actually cuddled with Caroline and I on several occasions. She is still practically a walking skeleton and it pains me every time I see this poor little one in such a state, but with the IV drips, high calorie foods and diligent care by our volunteers, she has an infinitely higher chance then she did a month ago when she was still in the 30km. There’s no doubt in my mind that if JCN had not found her, Nala would not be alive today.

Wesley weighing Sam

This weekend was quite busy medically speaking, JCN got a great new volunteer vet tech for the weekend named Wesley, and she gave every cat eye drops several times a day to help them with the cold that spread through C room. Wesley also gave deworming and parasite treatments to all of our dogs, and managed to weigh even our huge Sam on a small bathroom scale. Caroline, who was visiting from Australia, got many cuts from the not so happy cats while helping with the treatments, but she was quite a trooper and just laughed off the scratches and moved on to the next task. She is an amazing woman. 

visiting his deity relatives

Caroline and I also took our newest dog, Chachamaru, on a great adventure in between morning and evening routines. This poor boy was just craving love after a year alone and Caroline wanted to see the area, so we took him to the beach at Lake Inawashiro, a local park and even Aizu castle to run and get loved by lots of excited children. He ate up every minute of it. He even temporarily got renamed 蝶蝶 (butterfly) because he was so happy.

Caroline also showed off her creative side by designing and beginning to build an outside catilion so that the cats can get some fresh air now that the weather is getting nicer. 

Lastly, I finally got to meet the tiny bundles of joy that one of our local supporters are fostering, these 3 are really active and their foster is seriously their mama. 

ball of cute

Right before I had to leave Sunday, all of us enjoyed a dinner at Club Lohas, which is the restaurant right underneath the shelter. The amazing owner, Yuuko, made me the best ice coco ever.

If you would like to help Japan Cat Network continue their work of helping the animals of the Fukushima exclusion zone, please go here: http://japancatnet.com/donate/
Every amount counts, as it costs 5,000Y in tolls alone just to make a single trip to all of the areas JCN helps.

さようなら 富士山

Two weeks ago, David and I moved from Minami Alps, Yamanashi to Iwaki, Fukushima to get a pay raise and be closer to volunteering at Japan Cat Network.

Things have certainly not gone as expected since arriving.
David's job fell through last minute, so he went from having his dream job to working part time as a preschool teacher, I discovered my job was not what was originally described to me (still seems fun, but rather bummed), and we have so far not been able to volunteer much.
The worst part though is how much I am missing my students. It feels like there is a big void in my heart without them. I miss teaching them, making lesson plans, seeing Fuji from the classroom window, getting harassed during my down time, and I deeply miss being called 紅茶 先生

Ni-Nensei after closing ceremonies

Thank God I thought about giving the kids my e-mail address before leaving, it really makes the day seem infinitely brighter when a message from them pops into the inbox. Especially when they write in broken English or talk about how sad it is to not have me as their teacher. For a year, I called them "my kids," but I didn't realize how true that was until I had to leave them behind.


P.S. on the plus side, we are fostering cats named Ham and Egg. They're pretty awesome, and sound like cars when they get excited.  

oh and Egg sleeps in a TV

Homesickness Diesease

These 5 months since arriving in Japan have been a strange journey into the inner turmoils that can come about at any moment...

One moment, there is nowhere else in the world I would rather be than right here in Japan, especially when seeing new sides to the culture, exploring a new area, or seeing the looks on the faces of those I have touched since landing here.
Then I start to think about those back home and suddenly Japan goes from being this magical land of wonder, to a sort of prison keeping me from reaching out to my loved ones.

It is so strange to go from pure joy to misery in an instant. I feel bipolar and insane whenever I start to cry or my heart starts to get that terrible ripping feeling... every ounce of me wants to both run back home and jump into the arms of those I care for, and to continue to fully embracing life here, and it is rather maddening.

These feelings have been coming to a head the last few days as I have had to start thinking about  if I should renew my contract here or go home at the end of the term.
If I go back home, it's back to friends, family, having shoulders to cry on whenever things get hard and to have the comforts from my entire life back in place. Leaving also means that David and I will break up, no matter what, I will have no job and will be living with my parents again.
Staying another year means that I continue having a good paying job, my own apartment/car and continue exploring this country and trying to help with relief efforts whenever possible. Remaining also means another year of inner turmoil and yearning for what is not within grasp.

Dammit.

two weeks left

There is just slightly under two weeks left until my boyfriend and I leave for Japan, and today I went through the first very hard step towards doing so, I moved out of my place in Richmond VA and back in with my parents to spend the last few days with them. The going away party was wonderful, the two weeks leading up to it were touching and the packing process took much longer than expected, I did quite well about not getting emotional too, until I looked around and saw the empty bedroom... the tears were flowing openly and it was quite difficult to not just get back into bed.