A Glimpse Into Me

I want to take a moment to talk about something that I tend to be fairly quiet about, but is probably the biggest part of who I am today, I have Aspergers.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, Aspergers is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized primarily with difficulties in social interaction, as well as repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It’s a bit different from the rest of ASD though due to the lack of cognitive and linguistic difficulties.  

Most people these days think of Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory when they hear mention of Aspergers, and I hate him for that. So many people I’ve talked to think we’re all weird social outcasts and walking punch lines thanks to that show, for the best representation I have seen on television, I recommend Community’s Ahbed. But I digress. Which is actually one of the parts of Aspergers, we tend to get sidetracked easily and just say whatever we think of, but I’ve decided this time to just keep in whatever comes to mind, hoping that it will help show how my train of thought works.

Anyways, back to what I really wanted to talk about. I have Aspergers, and because of that, I see the world a little different from others.

 For starters, it’s usually quite hard for me to read into what other people mean or what their intentions are, because of this I often either mislead people or hurt them. On the reverse side, I often get hurt and taken advantage of due to my misunderstanding of the situation.

This issue is most prevalent for me personally when it comes to guys. I rarely realize when someone is flirting with me until they make a move to kiss me or ask me out, which has lead to many instances of both me hurting people by ‘suddenly’ turning them down, and me just being taken advantage of because I do not often know how to detach myself from the situation. It has gotten much better over the years, but once during high school I was “dating” four guys at once simply because I could not seem to say no.   

Not being able to read into what other people mean has also lead to incredibly awkward situations where I don’t know what to say or do in response to something very emotional, especially grief and anger. I quite often cannot fully understand why the person is saying and doing things and simply get incredibly frustrated and lash out at those near me. The biggest cause of fights with me and my loved ones seems to be that when they show a great deal of emotions towards me, I don’t know how to handle them and as such, I react inappropriately.

Next up, sounds. Anyone who has spent a great deal of time with me knows what my biggest pet peeves are: crunching, slurping and sniffling.  I literally cannot be near those sounds for very long without either becoming angry or so frustrated that I begin to cry.

Obviously (especially since moving to Japan) I have to put up with it in silence most of the time, but I do have a lot of tricks to avoid it as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I avoid noodle shops as much as I can, don’t use the trains without headphones and while traveling I always have earplugs. Every night I even have a white noise machine playing to help me drown out any potential noise. The worst though is going to hang out with friends or going to a party, because you just know that there’s going to be a bunch of crunchy snacks and people chewing on ice. It’s become such a big deal that a few close friends actually avoid chips and ice when I’m around them (thank you. I love you.)

David, amazing, sweet David, even went as far as to buy a non-clicking mouse for his computer and asked his gaming friends not to eat loud things while they skype and I’m around.

I’m really not sure how I would continue functioning without people like him in my life. 

This particular issue, I have noticed really rubs off on people. Namely, my mother and David. I hear at least once a week “I’d never noticed  ~~ sound before” or “I just knew, Jen would hate this!” Now that isn’t to say that they’re now annoyed by these things too, but my issues have made them so acutely aware of these things that they notice sounds they had never known existed before (sorry).

The last thing I want to talk about is why I have been so quiet lately. Those of us with Aspergers know we’re different; we know we don’t quite fit in, and knowing that, often leads to depression. Ever since I quit my job to begin volunteering and traveling, I have also had far too much free time to reflect upon my life and how outside from everyone else I am, and that led me to a very dark place. Now, obviously I KNOW people love me, I KNOW I’m a smart and talented woman who has lots to offer the world, and I KNOW that I will have an amazing life, normal or not. But that doesn’t stop depression. Depression is impervious to logical reasoning. You can’t just wish it away.

So, to close, I may get down a lot in these coming months while I have loads of time to ponder, so please help me to remember that it’s ok. It’s ok to be different from the norm. It’s ok to be ME.

Jumping Through Hoops

A few weeks ago I moved out of my house in Iwaki, Fukushima and loaded the car with every earthly possession I have in this country to start my life as a volunteer and traveler (aka a vagabond). At first things seemed to be going quite well, the new building had been chosen for the shelter, designs were being made on how to convert the place into an amazing animal sanctuary, and the final date had been chosen. Then came the realization that buying property in Japan as a foreigner is no easy task, and is made even worse when trying to do so for a pet shelter.

First we were turned down by our top choice because they did not want to sell to foreigners, then at the next place the local farmers said they were worried the cats would pee in the lake (what?), and lastly, the homeowner decided to ignore us and the agent about finalizing anything. So the move in date came and went, and we are still stuck paying rent every week when we should have been settling in our rescues as I speak.

Sometimes being a foreigner in Japan is just terrible, no one listens to you and every now and then, locals are scared of you. It's as if they think we are some sort of alien life form.

Anyone have any tips on how to raise money for our next few rents and/or how to speed up the contract process in Japan? I am getting sick of mostly living out of my car.

Strides

I deeply apologize for being absent for so long, as those who know me personally are most likely aware, there has been some rather terrible drama in my life as of late, and due to that, I vanished. I was raised to not bad mouth those around me, so instead of writing and possibly doing so, I simply stopped.

But in doing so, I also regrettably did not properly document the kitten from the previous posts socialization process, nor did anyone who reads this get introduced to her 3 siblings and mother who have since joined my household.

So, I give you "1st cat" then and now:

In 2 months, this beautiful girl went from having matted fur, a constant wide eyed terror and fleas, to a calm and loving lady who enjoys laying in your lap and is not shy around people or other animals. She is still unnamed though, as we are waiting till their vet trip next week to 100% confirm everyone's gender before the naming begins. So far, all we have decided is that the food theme shall be continued in honor of our other two fosters, Ham and Egg.

I simply wanted to apologize for not updating about my last 2 trips to the shelter, honestly I have been in a strange depression as of late, and when I am depressed, the motivation to write just does not come. 
For some reason I have had this terrible irrational fear that when I eventually return to the United States, all of my loved ones will have moved on and won't have a place for me in their lives anymore. Irrational, I know, but that does not stop it from creeping up.

Abuse

It has taken me a week to decide whether I should talk about this or not, but as it has been a week and it is still bothering me, here goes.

David and I went to the shelter last weekend to volunteer and gather some supplies for a fundraiser we will be doing later in Iwaki, while we were there, I spotted a man kicking his dog. At first I simply assumed that it was my eyes playing tricks on me, as it had already been a long weekend, and who in their right mind would abuse an animal across the street from a shelter? But that's when it happened... this man threw his dog as hard as he could into the ground, in front of his 2 small children.

Without even thinking I just ran over and began shouting at him, I do not know a lot of Japanese so it was mostly English with a bit of me calling him a monster. I scooped up the small poodle to check it for injuries while the man shouted obscenities in Japanese at me and told his children not to worry as I was just a moronic foreigner.
David and a Japanese volunteer came over to talk with him, but he spent his entire time denying it and saying that I had tried to steal his dog and attacked him, our Japanese volunteer even apologized to him for my actions, while I just sobbed.

We were told later that while it was sad, we could do nothing to stop this man since there were no visible wounds on the animal and since I had "attacked" him. In Japan, the foreigner always looses against the native.
 I spent much of the rest of my time that day closed up with some of ours animals, crying.

During the nearly 3 years that I worked with the SPCA back in the US, I saw lots of animals come through that had been badly abused, some had terrible physical scars, others only had mental ones, but all of them had been noticeably effected. I just kept thinking of my time with those cowering animals and how much it had pained me to know they had been hurt by some heartless bastard, and how utterly wrong it was that this man got to walk away with an animal that he will most likely abuse for the rest of its life, or until he gets sick of it and throws it away, like so many other animals in this nation. This incident especially struck me, because while I have worked with abused animals for a long time, I had actually somehow never seen it happen first hand, so seeing someone do it so calmly, and right across the street from our shelter no less, shook me to the core.


Anyways, it still replays through my head over and over again, and I find myself praying for that poor small dog. Now, enough sadness, here is a picture of Chachamaru, who was found over a year into the disaster, covered in parasites, very underweight, with dislocated legs, and a big smile. Animals like him are what keep us going.

Fun fact: We personally spend around $200/month in travel costs to volunteer and rescue.

Does not compute

People often ask me why I tend to choose animal companionship over other humans, and today here in Iwaki I was given a good example of just why that is.

There is a colony of cats near one of the preschools I teach English at, so every Monday they get a visit, along with lots of food and attention. This week, while they were all running over to get some food, one of the cats appearances made my jaw simply drop...

not Photoshopped

Someone took one of the cats and painted them! At first I thought he maybe just landed in some wet paint somewhere, but then I noticed this guy also had new injuries since last week, and even though he had been the most friendly before, today he was very timid.
It simply boggles my mind why anyone would want to do this to an animal. Any animal.

the colony last week

My goal is to save up some money and trap these guys so they can get fixed and vaccinated, plus a few of them have eye gunk that I want to treat with lysine, and if I can get them trusting people enough, it'd be awesome to treat them to a grooming session.

さようなら 富士山

Two weeks ago, David and I moved from Minami Alps, Yamanashi to Iwaki, Fukushima to get a pay raise and be closer to volunteering at Japan Cat Network.

Things have certainly not gone as expected since arriving.
David's job fell through last minute, so he went from having his dream job to working part time as a preschool teacher, I discovered my job was not what was originally described to me (still seems fun, but rather bummed), and we have so far not been able to volunteer much.
The worst part though is how much I am missing my students. It feels like there is a big void in my heart without them. I miss teaching them, making lesson plans, seeing Fuji from the classroom window, getting harassed during my down time, and I deeply miss being called 紅茶 先生

Ni-Nensei after closing ceremonies

Thank God I thought about giving the kids my e-mail address before leaving, it really makes the day seem infinitely brighter when a message from them pops into the inbox. Especially when they write in broken English or talk about how sad it is to not have me as their teacher. For a year, I called them "my kids," but I didn't realize how true that was until I had to leave them behind.


P.S. on the plus side, we are fostering cats named Ham and Egg. They're pretty awesome, and sound like cars when they get excited.  

oh and Egg sleeps in a TV

Homesickness Diesease

These 5 months since arriving in Japan have been a strange journey into the inner turmoils that can come about at any moment...

One moment, there is nowhere else in the world I would rather be than right here in Japan, especially when seeing new sides to the culture, exploring a new area, or seeing the looks on the faces of those I have touched since landing here.
Then I start to think about those back home and suddenly Japan goes from being this magical land of wonder, to a sort of prison keeping me from reaching out to my loved ones.

It is so strange to go from pure joy to misery in an instant. I feel bipolar and insane whenever I start to cry or my heart starts to get that terrible ripping feeling... every ounce of me wants to both run back home and jump into the arms of those I care for, and to continue to fully embracing life here, and it is rather maddening.

These feelings have been coming to a head the last few days as I have had to start thinking about  if I should renew my contract here or go home at the end of the term.
If I go back home, it's back to friends, family, having shoulders to cry on whenever things get hard and to have the comforts from my entire life back in place. Leaving also means that David and I will break up, no matter what, I will have no job and will be living with my parents again.
Staying another year means that I continue having a good paying job, my own apartment/car and continue exploring this country and trying to help with relief efforts whenever possible. Remaining also means another year of inner turmoil and yearning for what is not within grasp.

Dammit.

Local Cusine

This past week during school lunches, I had the grand chance to try two very quintessentially Japanese foods, natto and niboshi.

For those of you who are not accustomed to Japanese food, natto is fermented soybeans that are commonly placed on top of rice, and it looks (and feels) like beans covered in spider webs, it also has a very strong odor, akin to a very potent cheese, like, and –to me- tasted like soggy peanuts doused in way too much salt. To make things more interesting, this meal was had in the teachers’ lounge, so all of them were very eager to see what I thought of natto, and when I made a disgusted face and said “it’s… interesting,” everyone giggled and mocked me for the rest of the meal. The experience was made much worse though, because the smell made me want to vomit and while opening the container, I had accidentally got some on my fingers, so every single time I took a bite of anything, I got a strong whiff of the smell again and had to fight back gags.

Directly after our meal, the principal explained that all Japanese people love natto because it is so healthy. Liar. I have already had multiple teachers at this school state natto is vile and Debu told me nearly all of the teachers at his old schools thought it was disgusting, that being said, Debu likes it! He has in fact been told by some Japanese people that that makes him “more Japanese then most Japanese people,” because most of them can barely stomach it, but eat it because it is considered ‘un-Japanese’ and ‘immature’ to not do so.

yumm

The next delicacy, niboshi, is essentially dried whole sardines, and when I say whole, I mean even their tiny shrunken eyes and teeny crunchy bones….

The first thing to hit me when the lunch lady brought in the bowls of food, were the fishies' eyes staring blankly at me, and their mouths gaping wide, as if trying to get just one more breath. The second thing to hit me occurred when the clear cellophane wrap was removed from the bowl and the smell was released into the room, thankfully it was paired with sweetened peanuts, so the smell was not too terrible, but it did still remind me of a market’s fish section near the end of the day, when everything isn’t quite smelling it's freshest anymore.

So came the first bite of this meal, with all the staff once again looking at me and giggling, as if we were playing the “what can we get this foreigner to eat?” game… the first one was not too bad, very crunchy, and rather spiky from all the teeny scales, but the peanuts covered the fishiness to a tolerable extent. But then, bite two, the peanuts did nothing! All of the teachers giggled and asked “you like?” to which I gestured a “so-so,” because I didn’t want to open my mouth and risk spitting out the tiny fishes that did not seem to want to be devoured. Somehow, I managed to eat all of them, even with their tiny eyes staring at me and their teeny mouths screaming “Why?!” but it was not an easy task, and one that is going to be even harder when I begin eating with the students, because I will then have to smile no matter what is on the plate and simply say “healthy” and eat it up.

Don't look into their eyes

The best part of these two experiences, were that both times I asked a few of the teachers “do you like?” and no one said yes, just “…it healthy,” as if that were a good enough reason to consume such items.

So, needless to say, these two dishes are not really for me, but don’t let that discourage any of you from trying them out.

Both of these can be purchased at most Asian super markets back in the USA and, who knows, you may actually like them.

First Hanami and First Class

 

The petals rain down as we celebrate

Last weekend I got to experience my first ever Hanami (the Japanese tradition of enjoying the beauty of the blossoms) at the lovely Kofu Castle, where there were dozens of cherry trees in bloom and many groups picnicking with their loved ones. We met with the other English teachers that work with our company in the area, and then met up with the YETI group (Yamanshi English Teachers International), where we got a chance to meet about twenty other teachers that had come from around the world to teach here in the Yamanashi Prefecture. It was a great deal of fun to get to meet other new people, as well as people who had been living here for years, including a few Japanese locals who had joined in the group and brought homemade wine. The blossoms were gorgeous, the company was grand, and the alcohol seemed to be never ending.

The bottom level of Kofu Castle

The following week was not filled with quite the same levels of enjoyment though, because I found that there was only going to be one class for me the entire week and the head teacher at my school informed me that he did not think that anyone who did not know the Japanese language would be able to be a successful English teach and that ALTs are "nothing special" anymore, and other fun things that were basically the polite way of saying "you are going to fail." It did not help very much that the day before he said these things I had gotten bored and pieced together from all of the old lesson plans lying around that most teachers at this school have not even lasted 6 months, in fact, the last two ALTs were only there for about 2 months each. On top of that, one of the previous teachers accidentally left behind some notes to herself that said encouraging things about how she was bored every day, felt useless and never really enjoyed it there, and that was from one of the two that had managed to actually stay their full year!

The class I taught went... so-so. Due to it being the first time I had ever taught a 50min class, being nervous, and not having a great grasp on how much time each thing would take, we ended up having to make something up on the spot to fill in the last 10mins of class (shiritori ftw!), but on the plus side, the kids seemed to like me, they think Debu is magical and due to a wonderful mis-translation, they think I know the President. So all in all, it seems that all that is needed is practice and some more courage to make the class a success.

So yes, it should be interesting to see how I manage at this school in the coming months, and I am really hoping that I do not follow the previous teachers examples of leaving before the year is up.