I want to take a moment to talk about something that I tend
to be fairly quiet about, but is probably the biggest part of who I am today, I
have Aspergers.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, Aspergers is an autism
spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized primarily with difficulties
in social interaction, as well as repetitive patterns of behavior and
interests. It’s a bit different from the rest of ASD though due to the lack of
cognitive and linguistic difficulties.
Most people these days think of Sheldon from the Big Bang
Theory when they hear mention of Aspergers, and I hate him for that. So many
people I’ve talked to think we’re all weird social outcasts and walking punch
lines thanks to that show, for the best representation I have seen on
television, I recommend Community’s Ahbed. But I digress. Which is actually one
of the parts of Aspergers, we tend to get sidetracked easily and just say
whatever we think of, but I’ve decided this time to just keep in whatever comes
to mind, hoping that it will help show how my train of thought works.
Anyways, back to what I really wanted to talk about. I have
Aspergers, and because of that, I see the world a little different from others.
For starters, it’s
usually quite hard for me to read into what other people mean or what their intentions
are, because of this I often either mislead people or hurt them. On the reverse
side, I often get hurt and taken advantage of due to my misunderstanding of the
situation.
This issue is most prevalent for me personally when it comes
to guys. I rarely realize when someone is flirting with me until they make a
move to kiss me or ask me out, which has lead to many instances of both me
hurting people by ‘suddenly’ turning them down, and me just being taken
advantage of because I do not often know how to detach myself from the
situation. It has gotten much better over the years, but once during high
school I was “dating” four guys at once simply because I could not seem to say
no.
Not being able to read into what other people mean has also
lead to incredibly awkward situations where I don’t know what to say or do in
response to something very emotional, especially grief and anger. I quite often
cannot fully understand why the person is saying and doing things and simply
get incredibly frustrated and lash out at those near me. The biggest cause of
fights with me and my loved ones seems to be that when they show a great deal
of emotions towards me, I don’t know how to handle them and as such, I react
inappropriately.
Next up, sounds. Anyone who has spent a great deal of time
with me knows what my biggest pet peeves are: crunching, slurping and
sniffling. I literally cannot be near
those sounds for very long without either becoming angry or so frustrated that
I begin to cry.
Obviously (especially since moving to Japan) I have to put
up with it in silence most of the time, but I do have a lot of tricks to avoid
it as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I avoid noodle shops as much as I
can, don’t use the trains without headphones and while traveling I always have
earplugs. Every night I even have a white noise machine playing to help me
drown out any potential noise. The worst though is going to hang out with
friends or going to a party, because you just know that there’s going to be a
bunch of crunchy snacks and people chewing on ice. It’s become such a big deal
that a few close friends actually avoid chips and ice when I’m around them
(thank you. I love you.)
David, amazing, sweet David, even went as far as to buy a
non-clicking mouse for his computer and asked his gaming friends not to eat
loud things while they skype and I’m around.
I’m really not sure how I would continue functioning without
people like him in my life.
This particular issue, I have noticed really rubs off on
people. Namely, my mother and David. I hear at least once a week “I’d never
noticed ~~ sound before” or “I just
knew, Jen would hate this!” Now that isn’t to say that they’re now annoyed by
these things too, but my issues have made them so acutely aware of
these things that they notice sounds they had never known existed before (sorry).
The last thing I want to talk about is why I have been so
quiet lately. Those of us with Aspergers know we’re different; we know we don’t
quite fit in, and knowing that, often leads to depression. Ever since I quit my
job to begin volunteering and traveling, I have also had far too much free time
to reflect upon my life and how outside from everyone else I am, and that led
me to a very dark place. Now, obviously I KNOW people love me, I KNOW I’m a
smart and talented woman who has lots to offer the world, and I KNOW that I
will have an amazing life, normal or not. But that doesn’t stop depression.
Depression is impervious to logical reasoning. You can’t just wish it away.
So, to close, I may get down a lot in these coming
months while I have loads of time to ponder, so please help me to remember that
it’s ok. It’s ok to be different from the norm. It’s ok to be ME.
