These 5 months since arriving in Japan have been a strange journey into the inner turmoils that can come about at any moment...
One moment, there is nowhere else in the world I would rather be than right here in Japan, especially when seeing new sides to the culture, exploring a new area, or seeing the looks on the faces of those I have touched since landing here.
Then I start to think about those back home and suddenly Japan goes from being this magical land of wonder, to a sort of prison keeping me from reaching out to my loved ones.
It is so strange to go from pure joy to misery in an instant. I feel bipolar and insane whenever I start to cry or my heart starts to get that terrible ripping feeling... every ounce of me wants to both run back home and jump into the arms of those I care for, and to continue to fully embracing life here, and it is rather maddening.
These feelings have been coming to a head the last few days as I have had to start thinking about if I should renew my contract here or go home at the end of the term.
If I go back home, it's back to friends, family, having shoulders to cry on whenever things get hard and to have the comforts from my entire life back in place. Leaving also means that David and I will break up, no matter what, I will have no job and will be living with my parents again.
Staying another year means that I continue having a good paying job, my own apartment/car and continue exploring this country and trying to help with relief efforts whenever possible. Remaining also means another year of inner turmoil and yearning for what is not within grasp.